Ten Things I Learned From My Mother...And Now You Can Too!

These lessons served me well growing up, and I hope they will touch your lives as well.

1. Always say thank you. If you are leaving a public pool and you hold the front gate open for a woman entering, and she struts through without acknowledging you, immediately crouch down to your children and say, "Did you see what that woman did? Never, EVER walk through a door that someone has held open for you without saying thank you!"

2. The pleasure of singing. When you hear a person say something that reminds you of certain song lyrics, immediately start singing said lyrics. Sure, you may annoy some people, but don't worry because after a while it becomes an involuntary response anyway.

3. How to make eggs. "Hey Mom, what's for dinner?" "There's some eggs in there."

4. The importance of siblings. No matter what kind of knock-down, drag-out fights you get into, remember that you're lucky to have each other, and that some people don't have brothers and sisters to throw a wad of grape Bubble Yum into their hair when all they did was ask if they could have a piece of gum.

5. How to string lights on a Christmas tree. You don't just put lights on the outer branches. You wrap them around the inner branches, then the outside so the whole tree lights up. No no, the inner branches. THE INNER BR...oh, just give it to me.

6. How to improvise when your Christmas tree won't stay up straight in the stand. Tie some fishing wire to the top branch, straighten the tree, take out the slack on the wire, and tack the end of it onto the wall.

7. Thanksgiving is not the time to experiment with new and different dishes. If you decide to serve spinach salad with red onion and mandarin oranges, think twice about sprinkling a bit of cayenne pepper on the mandarin oranges. You might cause your elderly father to grab his chest, grope around for his water and exclaim, "What're you trying to do, kill me??"

8. If you receive a gift that you don't care for, don't tell that to the gift giver. "Oh, and album!...Ugh, I hate Shawn Cassidy!"

9. How to cuss. If you're getting ready to go out on the town, and your child opens the front door and accidentally lets the dog out, tromp angrily down the driveway in your high heels and yell, "Goddamnsonofabitch!"

10. How to embarrass your 10-year old child at a movie theatre. Take her to a comedy, such as Airplane!, and laugh hysterically at the opening scene, when no one else in the theatre is making a sound.

Happy Mother's Day Mom! I miss you terribly.

Dana